In Memoriam: The Diet Coke Button

Rest in peace, my saccharine prince

When I heard the news, I nearly collapsed. Just as Trump predicted, Biden has begun to ruin the country, piece by piece, starting with the Diet Coke Button.

The button was created early in the Trump term by…really who knows, maybe Trump himself. The media started to catch on quickly, and of course everyone’s first intuition is that it’s the nuclear button. Preposterous. Everyone knows to get to that button, you have to pop the nuclear football and get to the center.

It’s appalling that after saying he would follow the science on COVID-19, he would turn his back on such a feat of American engineering. A home-grown creation, and one that creates jobs! A whole one (1) job, the butler who carried it out.

I was that butler.

My livelihood is in shambles. All my life, all I wanted to do was fetch Diet Coke for someone, and I finally had a steady gig that would let me live my dream. Do you know how HARD it is to find openings for this job? Do you know how few Indeed search results I get???

I sure hope Biden isn’t one of these chumps who like Pepsi…

Pepsiman, take me by the hand





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